It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
