nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
