i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
