i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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