Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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