Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
