Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
