Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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