Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
