you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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