Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
