Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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