Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Also, beer. Big fan.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
