This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
