No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Randomize
