fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
