You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
