i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
