I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Randomize
