can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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