I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
