Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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