i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If I die, sorry about rent.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
