I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
