Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
