I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
