Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
