Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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