you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
My vagina is very pro this idea
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
