All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
