the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
