you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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