Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
