I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
