if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
