I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
