chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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