I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?