Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
