dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
He better not be in your backpack
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
