So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
