Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
