So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
God, you're like boner-b-gone
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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