theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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