I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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