I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
