I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
