and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I came so hard my ears popped.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
