My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
