We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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