Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
