Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize