theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
