I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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