god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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