I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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