C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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